Echo Mindset

Just make a decision already

Sitting with the psychologist yesterday, talking about the usual stuff, conversation going down familiar roads. Four more shifts until I’m off work on extended paternity leave. The finish line is in sight and I’m talking about what a struggle it’s been. Good days are just okay, the bad days are fucking awful. I’m talking about…
Forced back to basics

When I ignore the rumble strips Today is day two of missing work due to depression. Sorry, to be clear, it’s day two of missing work due to depression this time. This has happened before, it’s happening now and it will certainly happen again at some point in the future. I’m not new to any…
A spiral

I don’t know what this is, a vent session? a prayer? desperation? I just called in sick to work, again, with trembling hands and indigestion. The blip of relief I felt from not having to go in was almost instantly replaced with depression and guilt at having “wussed out”. So much progress with the destigmatization…
Shift report

It’s our final day of the week, day 4/4 as I write in my little daily call logbook. Other info that goes into every entry I always like day four, the excitement of days off are close enough to actually feel, but I also kind of loathe day four, because I know sometimes we are…
An on-shift moment to breath

Sitting in the most isolated spot in the firehall, a tiny little corner office no bigger than a broom closet. Cinder blocked on all sides, it’s where we store broken breathing apparatus equipment and expired air bottles, it’s also where I go when I need to be alone for a moment, which lately is often.…
A shift report? A life update?

How about a brief, contained rambling of sorts? First day off today. Slept well, up early, sipping coffee and trying to write more. Intentions are to improve my mental health (expression vs impression) but also to simply practise writing. Any writing will do, journalling, blogging, essays, short stories, poetry, research, it doesn’t matter what, where,…
A quiet time

Goodbye for now….. This time is so precious to me that I’ll do almost anything to get it and keep it. I’ll get up at five o’clock in the morning on a day off if I have to. I’ll force myself to function on four hours sleep. I’ll postpone breakfast, delay morning chores and happily…
The Drop

A set back? And an update The tension in my shoulders is finally easing. The insomnia is fading. The thoughts of self-harming drifting away. What was so close and so vivid is now receding. I can just feel the stabilization of mind and body slowly spreading. Things got very dark for some unexplained reason, and…
The power of applied scripture

I’ve been working most Sundays lately. Which means while my family is at church I’m most likely reversing an overdose somewhere or sitting in the ER hallway waiting for a bed to open up. I do what I can, both at work and with my relationship with God. I found a Bible verse the other…
Out with the old and in with the new

I’m the old. My partner is the new. I’m turning forty this year, with eighteen years in as a Paramedic. He is twenty three, with two years in. We work together everyday and everyday we have these little moments that pop up. He will ask me about mental health stuff, or career longevity stuff, what…